FROM ONE PARENT TO ANOTHER
by
Maureen Dabbagh
Any parent that has had a child abducted or retained abroad can tell you the shear frustration and exhaustion they endure as they struggle to manuver through the bureacratic jungle of international law, politics, and agencies. Their efforts become single-minded, resulting ever-increasing isolation and non-participation in many activities they enjoyed prior to their child's abduction. Each day the child is gone is a reminder that time quickly passes, and there is no time to go out with friends for dinner, work out at the gym, or take that vacation. Combined with the financial burden, parents quickly find themselves overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, confused, and alone.
Parents of abducted children involuntarily are initiated into an exclusive club where there is little-to-no room for those that have not experienced the loss of a child through parental kidnapping. It is difficult to explain to someone how the intense feelings of fear, grief, frustration, revenge, and sadness are constant companions. Emotional exhaustion leads to short tempers, intolerance, and lack of trust.
ISOLATION DEEPENS
Because these cases tend to be long-term, the process deepens until abduction becomes our entire world. Work has been religated to nothing more than a way to earn money. Educational pursuits are often put on hold. Career ambitions are often compromised. Relationships are often end. And then...the vicious circle - In an effort to "validate" these emotions, and experiences, we will network - usually through the internet. We will find individuals and groups involved in parental kidnapping. We find other's that share our experiences and understand what we are feeling. While it serves to validate our newly imposed identity, and relieves some of the isolation, it also serves to pull us further and further from the life we lived before. We may replace family members and close friends with other left-behind parents. Some networks provide positive support, offer productive projects, like lobbying legislation. Other networks may be made of up angry parents that use all their energy to blog, post and email hateful, threatening, and insulting emails to authorities.
FANATISIM IS THE RESULT OF UNCHECKED ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.
I went through all of the above when my daughter was abducted. I became a person that I did not recognize. I was angry, frustrated, and distrustful of everyone and everything. I had not realized how much I had digressed until I began to notice that my actions, words, and deeds were not being "excused" just because my child was missing. I pushed family and friends away. I was insulting to authorities. I was not a team player. I thought I was in the right - after all- my child had been abducted. I thought agencies "owed" me all of their time, focus and resources.
ABDUCTION BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN US.
They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. There are many kinds of death. We can allow our sense of integrity to die. We can allow our honor to die. We can allow our ability to trust to die. How then, can we function if we have allowed the goodness in us to die?
ABDUCTORS DO NOT JUST STEAL THE CHILD, THEY STEAL OUR PEACE OF MIND.
But we do not have to allow the trauma and nightmare of abduction to destroy our lives. We do not have to give the abductor the power to drive us crazy. We do not have to give up our dreams, our hopes, and our goals. While they may be put on hold, or pursued at a slower pace, we do not have to lose them.
Our children want us whole when they come home. They do not want to come home to an angry parent. Children do not want to live with a depressed parent. Children want to feel safe and secure. It is our obligation and duty to be whole for our children - and for ourselves. And no one knows us better than we know ourselves.
LOVE YOURSELF
Take the time to relax. It is difficult. If you do not know what it takes to relax you, then find it - and not in pills or booze. Re-establish old friendships. Take up that old hobby again. Exercise relieves stress. Sitting at the computer all day emailing and blogging about your child is not mentally or physically healthy. It quickly becomes an addiction that serves only to feed the frustration, and anger.
Do Not Be A Victim. Be a hero. Your child needs you to be a hero. Your child is the victim. If you are the victim - then your child will be forced to parent you when they come home. Is this the kind of dynamic you want in your parent-child relationship? Get real about what a victim is. You have been betrayed. You have not been kidnapped. Do you want to be a "Left-behind-parent"? Do you even know what that means? It means that you were not kidnapped with your child. Do you really want to be kidnapped too? Well, you were not kidnapped. You children was. You are the one that is going to make sure your child is not a victim of a selfish parent's act for the rest of their life. Be your child's hero. Before you can do that - you have to feel like a hero.
HOW DOES A HERO FEEL?
Confident. Focused. Strong. Sure-minded. If you want to feel good about yourself, then take care of yourself. Take a bath! Sleeping all day is a sign of depression. You should not be feeling this way months or years after your child has been taken. If you are looking for someone else to do it--then you are fooling yourself. If your efforts to return your child are hampered by financial obsticles- then do something! You should not be destitute ten years after your child was abducted. How are you goin to support the child when they return?
Exercise some initiative. Instead of begging for money-earn it. Have a bake sale, yard sale, or wash cars. Upload and sell your photos online at one of the many photo shops like www.shutterpoint.com....after all, it is for your child. There are so many things you can do to earn a few extra dollars.
Parents must take responsibility for coordinating their child's return. I promise that the abducting parent is NOT the only person you may find inhibiting your efforts. Often times, a parent inhibits their own effort. It is true. How many times have I heard a parent REFUSE to have their child returned IF it is NOt done they way they want! Yes, it is true. Can you even imagine that? I know first hand that left-behind parents will almost always refuse to "mediate" with a rtrained professional to get their child home. The reason...(and this is a kicker)..cause they could not personally do it...so they do not want a trained professional to! (This is rather like telling a heart surgeon that they are refusing heart surgery because they can't do the surgery themsevles).
Other obsticles a parent may run into when they are trying to locate and return their child is ealing with certain agancies. Some missing children's agencies, government offices and law enforcement professionals may be unfamiluar with the dynamics of abduction. They may lack training and experience. They may be over worked and not able to adequetly address the enormous case load they are assigned. They may not like you cause you were insulting to them--so they are not anxious to talk to you on the phone. Can you imagine speaking to parents of abducted chidlren all day long and the very vast majority are insulting and unkind? Well - I have. I know you guys can be real nasty--and I was too - at one time.
So the bottom line is be good to yourself. Be nice to others. It will be one of the hardest things to do after your child is abducted - but it will pay off - I promise!
Parents of abducted children involuntarily are initiated into an exclusive club where there is little-to-no room for those that have not experienced the loss of a child through parental kidnapping. It is difficult to explain to someone how the intense feelings of fear, grief, frustration, revenge, and sadness are constant companions. Emotional exhaustion leads to short tempers, intolerance, and lack of trust.
ISOLATION DEEPENS
Because these cases tend to be long-term, the process deepens until abduction becomes our entire world. Work has been religated to nothing more than a way to earn money. Educational pursuits are often put on hold. Career ambitions are often compromised. Relationships are often end. And then...the vicious circle - In an effort to "validate" these emotions, and experiences, we will network - usually through the internet. We will find individuals and groups involved in parental kidnapping. We find other's that share our experiences and understand what we are feeling. While it serves to validate our newly imposed identity, and relieves some of the isolation, it also serves to pull us further and further from the life we lived before. We may replace family members and close friends with other left-behind parents. Some networks provide positive support, offer productive projects, like lobbying legislation. Other networks may be made of up angry parents that use all their energy to blog, post and email hateful, threatening, and insulting emails to authorities.
FANATISIM IS THE RESULT OF UNCHECKED ANGER AND FRUSTRATION.
I went through all of the above when my daughter was abducted. I became a person that I did not recognize. I was angry, frustrated, and distrustful of everyone and everything. I had not realized how much I had digressed until I began to notice that my actions, words, and deeds were not being "excused" just because my child was missing. I pushed family and friends away. I was insulting to authorities. I was not a team player. I thought I was in the right - after all- my child had been abducted. I thought agencies "owed" me all of their time, focus and resources.
ABDUCTION BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN US.
They say what does not kill us makes us stronger. There are many kinds of death. We can allow our sense of integrity to die. We can allow our honor to die. We can allow our ability to trust to die. How then, can we function if we have allowed the goodness in us to die?
ABDUCTORS DO NOT JUST STEAL THE CHILD, THEY STEAL OUR PEACE OF MIND.
But we do not have to allow the trauma and nightmare of abduction to destroy our lives. We do not have to give the abductor the power to drive us crazy. We do not have to give up our dreams, our hopes, and our goals. While they may be put on hold, or pursued at a slower pace, we do not have to lose them.
Our children want us whole when they come home. They do not want to come home to an angry parent. Children do not want to live with a depressed parent. Children want to feel safe and secure. It is our obligation and duty to be whole for our children - and for ourselves. And no one knows us better than we know ourselves.
LOVE YOURSELF
Take the time to relax. It is difficult. If you do not know what it takes to relax you, then find it - and not in pills or booze. Re-establish old friendships. Take up that old hobby again. Exercise relieves stress. Sitting at the computer all day emailing and blogging about your child is not mentally or physically healthy. It quickly becomes an addiction that serves only to feed the frustration, and anger.
Do Not Be A Victim. Be a hero. Your child needs you to be a hero. Your child is the victim. If you are the victim - then your child will be forced to parent you when they come home. Is this the kind of dynamic you want in your parent-child relationship? Get real about what a victim is. You have been betrayed. You have not been kidnapped. Do you want to be a "Left-behind-parent"? Do you even know what that means? It means that you were not kidnapped with your child. Do you really want to be kidnapped too? Well, you were not kidnapped. You children was. You are the one that is going to make sure your child is not a victim of a selfish parent's act for the rest of their life. Be your child's hero. Before you can do that - you have to feel like a hero.
HOW DOES A HERO FEEL?
Confident. Focused. Strong. Sure-minded. If you want to feel good about yourself, then take care of yourself. Take a bath! Sleeping all day is a sign of depression. You should not be feeling this way months or years after your child has been taken. If you are looking for someone else to do it--then you are fooling yourself. If your efforts to return your child are hampered by financial obsticles- then do something! You should not be destitute ten years after your child was abducted. How are you goin to support the child when they return?
Exercise some initiative. Instead of begging for money-earn it. Have a bake sale, yard sale, or wash cars. Upload and sell your photos online at one of the many photo shops like www.shutterpoint.com....after all, it is for your child. There are so many things you can do to earn a few extra dollars.
Parents must take responsibility for coordinating their child's return. I promise that the abducting parent is NOT the only person you may find inhibiting your efforts. Often times, a parent inhibits their own effort. It is true. How many times have I heard a parent REFUSE to have their child returned IF it is NOt done they way they want! Yes, it is true. Can you even imagine that? I know first hand that left-behind parents will almost always refuse to "mediate" with a rtrained professional to get their child home. The reason...(and this is a kicker)..cause they could not personally do it...so they do not want a trained professional to! (This is rather like telling a heart surgeon that they are refusing heart surgery because they can't do the surgery themsevles).
Other obsticles a parent may run into when they are trying to locate and return their child is ealing with certain agancies. Some missing children's agencies, government offices and law enforcement professionals may be unfamiluar with the dynamics of abduction. They may lack training and experience. They may be over worked and not able to adequetly address the enormous case load they are assigned. They may not like you cause you were insulting to them--so they are not anxious to talk to you on the phone. Can you imagine speaking to parents of abducted chidlren all day long and the very vast majority are insulting and unkind? Well - I have. I know you guys can be real nasty--and I was too - at one time.
So the bottom line is be good to yourself. Be nice to others. It will be one of the hardest things to do after your child is abducted - but it will pay off - I promise!